By Greg Atkinson
Forgiveness – both of yourself and others – is the first key to unlocking the secret power of kindness.
Sometimes, we can be hindered simply by our inability to see past untrue things we’ve been taught about God. The truth is, with God’s help, we hold the keys to unlock the kind of change we want to see in the world as Christians, in ourselves and in others.
Through years of unlocking my own fences, I have learned to be kind to myself, unlike those who were unkind to me, and to find peace within myself, unlike the tumult I sought to escape. The kinder I felt toward myself, the kinder I became to others.
I have learned that true kindness provides a peace and joy that comes with self-acceptance and love. The key to unlocking the secret power of kindness begins with the healing power of forgiveness.
How you deal with the trauma and pain in your life—including how you respond to it—will shape your life presently and in the future. The bottom line is that you have a choice—you can become bitter or better.
Overcoming Deep Wounds and Hurt
I understand this concept perhaps better than most. I experienced great trauma in my childhood that I had to learn to deal with and find forgiveness from.
When I was a young boy, I was molested and sexually assaulted by a man at a Baptist church daycare. I was around 5 years old, and I blocked it from my mind—at least I thought I did.
As I grew in years, I started thinking, since I was so young, that I was simply con- fused. Maybe I was mistaken about what happened at the daycare. I blocked it all out, and I went on with life. Later, when I started going to a therapist for other issues in my life, the memories started to come back.
Survivors of sexual abuse, especially children, experience trauma through feelings of confusion, fear, humiliation, and shame. When people are abused, shame falls on their shoulders; they feel as though they did something wrong. Forgiveness allows them that healing. God will never shame you. That’s not God’s way of transforming us. Shame is not rooted in love. Shame silences victims of abuse. A big part of my healing journey consisted of dealing with the shame that I felt. Once I did, that changed my whole trajectory.
Forgiving means letting go of the anger, pain, shame, and guilt that I carry upon my back and no longer allowing my abuser to have a perpetrating and influential role in my emotional and spiritual life. In forgiving, I render him powerless.
But that was not the only abuse I experienced growing up. My father was a very harsh man. Most of my memories of him consist of me receiving verbal and physical abuse. He was constantly yelling at me. Not surprisingly, I never heard him tell me that he loved me. While my dad was many things, he was also a man who had been deeply hurt in life.
I didn’t know my father’s background, which included growing up in an orphanage and being sent to military school and neglected by his adoptive parents, until much later in life. I didn’t know that he was projecting on my family the trauma he had endured.
My dad died of a heart attack on May 27, 1997. On the day he died, I had been reading my Bible, specifically Psalm 66. I read the verse where it says that God is “a father to the fatherless” and circled it. It caught my interest, as I had never noticed that verse before. A large part of my healing journey came about by realizing that God is the father I never had. He’s a father to the fatherless. He’s the perfect Father I never had—one that loves me perfectly, brings about healing in my life, and provides great comfort.
It would take a long time for me to truly forgive my father. But seeing God as my true father helped me to begin to unlock my ability to forgive and to heal that gaping wound inside.
Experiencing Healing Through Forgiveness
We’re not going to be kind people if we don’t learn to forgive those who have hurt us. I believe everyone wants to find healing and wholeness and not live in a prison of bitterness, anger, and depression. Problematically, though, I also believe that many people either don’t know how to find wholeness or they don’t want to face the trauma that they have experienced in their life.
Sometimes living in denial seems safer than facing those horrible truths. However, as someone who has experienced trauma and denial, I can say that the path toward healing, though often difficult, is worth the journey. Nothing compares to living life free from the emotional and physical effects of trauma and woundedness. Living in freedom—freedom from bitterness, hate, and mental anguish—enables you to love and forgive people, to be compassionate and empathetic, and truly to be kind to all of the people you meet.
Are you looking for wholeness? Are you tired of living in a prison of bitterness and hate? It’s time to get help and healing by unlocking your ability to forgive.
I’m a big proponent of seeking professional help through counseling and therapy to assist one on their journey toward healing and wholeness. If you don’t forgive those who hurt you, you will never find healing. If you never find healing for the trauma and the hurts that you have faced, you will live in bondage—a prison of bitterness, anger, hate, and hardness. And this will affect not only your life but those around you as well. Without healing, you won’t move forward in life. You will be stuck in a constant childhood state of trauma.
Forgiveness is a process. But the more you are able to forgive, the more you will free yourself to experience kindness, and to give it to others too.
Hurt People Hurt People—And They Are Miserable Too
It’s an old saying that has become a cliché, but it’s also a golden nugget of truth: “Hurt people hurt people.” If you have not been able to forgive and move on from what happened to you as a child (or an adult), you’re going to be a mean, grumpy, inconsiderate, and bitter person. You’re not going to be fun to be around.
You’re not going to be loving. You’re just going to be a jerk to people.
Hurt people hurt people. Wounded people wound people. But rescued people rescue people.
Everyone’s healing journey is unique. There’s no set pattern of time when it comes to finding wholeness. It could take years, decades, or even happen in an instant. Even though I’m a proponent of therapy, I believe that it is God who does the healing. The power of God can heal any wounded heart. He can take a hard heart and make it soft again, and He can transform a bitter heart into one that forgives. God can do that in an instant via prayer, or He can do it over time. The biggest step you will ever take toward healing is learning to forgive.
Forgiveness releases you from seeking revenge. Forgiveness recognizes that every human being is flawed and damaged in some way. Forgiveness allows you to unload the emotional baggage that keeps you from entering into a place of joy, peace, comfort, and love.
When you forgive your dad, when you forgive that person who abused you, or when you forgive the source of your trauma, your heart and mind will start to change. When you work through the process of healing, when you pray, when you seek counseling and therapy, you can find wholeness and live a joyful, peaceful, fruitful life that responds naturally to people with kindness. And if there’s something all of us need in our lives, it is more kindness.
None of this is easy, but if you’re up for it, I invite you to continue unlocking keys to our inner power of kindness. You can do it. I believe in you. But most of all, I believe in the goodness of God.
Greg Atkinson is an entrepreneur, bestselling author, and international speaker with 30 years of organizational leadership experience. He has written for over a million readers and has spoken in over 100 countries. His newest book, “The Secret Power of Kindness,” is available now at gregatkinson.com.
